Entry for December 25, 2008

I survived Christmas with my relatives, and I only had to go through one shirt.

I wouldn't say my extended family is dysfunctional, just that too many people in close proximity in my parents house, a little too small for so many in a standard Australian summer Christmas, is pressure cooker for frayed tempers.

I also know my mum, aunt, cousins, in-laws and grandma do kind of mean well, but they do tend to harp and nag on me settling down, getting married and having kids. Not as much pressure since my younger brother produced a darling little niece for them/me to dote on, but still get asked about if I'm dating, is it serious, time is running out, wouldn't it be nice to have another grandchild running about. I guess I keep getting hit up because my older sister has the great career, while office girl doesn't seem to be that grand a job to put off my role as baby factory :(

It's not like I can tell them "Why yes, I am still little more than a office assisstant who spends much of her free time holding a torch for a guy who seemingly has not interest in a relationship with me, but recently I drank a formula produced by said uninterested male which transforms me into a green skinned behemoth with breasts the size of sporting goods and muscled the size of ocean liner pistons when placed under emotional stress. Pass the trifle."

Before I would have smiled and nodded, taking the path of least resistance and letting it all roll off my back, apparently "she" doesn't.

Every time I got the well worn spiel, I had to bite my tongue or try to take a drink to avoid causing a scene or making an outburst. But my brother's wife (who earned endless browny points for my dark sheep young brother by producing my parents first grandchild) kept pointing out over and over when suddenly "she" snaps and tells her to go off and make another grandchild herself.

While she storms off in a huff, I'm trying to quietly make my way to my old room as I feel an insistent pressure and warmth flood my body. Cousins from interstate were sleeping in their during their stay, but they were busy playing cricket in the backyard, so it was clear for me to try and reign "her" in.

I'm glad I chose light and comfortable clothes for the day as usual, but by the time I get there all the buttons on my light white shirt have snapped off as my torso seems to widen and I start to overflow my bra. My skin feels clammy and feel like my flesh is roasting as molten lava flows through my veins. Fear of discovery, fear of being caught and labeled a freak by my family, slowly starts to cool "her" warmth and after five or so minutes I'm normal and thanking my mum for not throwing out an old shirt in my former built in wardrobe. I don't even miss lunch.

Anyway, present giving time after lunch went smoothly and I was happy to get any clothes to help bulk out my slightly torn and destroyed wardrobe. I stay for few more drinks and family photos before deciding to call it a day. Normally I'd stay longer, do live over an hour away nowdays, but felt too close a call before and want to be safe. But I'm not.

During the drive home I have the radio blaring, but my mind keeps returning to being told how to live my life and other choices I was told I should have made, back even before the gathering today. Choices and conversations I would have made in hindsight if I wasn't so shy, wasn't so frail, wasn't so scared, so weak. I normally do cringe and review such things, but my mind won't let go tonight.

By the time I get home my mind is racing a mile a minute. My answer to such mauling review of year and life to date is to have a shower, eat some Chrissy leftovers I got slugged with when trying to leave, and drown my sorrows with some booze, write a blog entry and go to my poor empty bed and sleep.

But my mind won't shut down, it just keeps racing and racing and racing. I can't change the past but I can't stop focusing on it. Why can't I calm down! Why! WHY!?

No!

Nononono! Its never this fast! Please stop. Please Stop. Please Stop. Please Stop. Please Stop. Please Stop. Please don't stop. Don't Stop. Don't Stop. DON'T STOP. DON'T STO-

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