Entry for December 23, 2008

It was my own fault.

But a couple of days with no success at prompting a change made me less wary, and with no work to take my mind off it, I got myself into trouble: I decided to go shopping.

I know, shopping, at Christmas time, how could I be any more stupid? But I needed to pick up a few grocery items and I (stupidly) thought that since I wasn't going gift shopping that the supermarkets wouldn't be that bad, right?

I got there early enough that parking wasn't too much of a problem, though had a couple of prime parks close to the doors snatched, but didn't bother me that much. Benefit of small car, can park in the smaller bays. When I first got in, it was a little busy, and a little worrying considering not even 9am yet so half the stores weren't open yet. So I (stupidly) think, how about I get some food to eat at a cafe first before I do the shopping.

The sandwich and coffee were nice, but not enough to induce a calming aura when I finally enter the supermarket to see bedlam. The kind of bedlam where the lanes are so packed you can't overtake so you have to wait in line on either side for people to make selections, where in turn you can't stop for a second because the people behind you get narky.

But I'm calm. I am so completely utterly calm. But I was kidding myself. Every little niggle and nagging irritation was building and I'm glad when I finally just get to stand and wait at the checkouts. Only some checkout chick comes up to me and asks if I'd like the try the self-checkouts and won't take no for an answer.

Death.

I've tried them before and it was just such a clusterfuck, but she won't take no for an answer. Maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time all the flaws will be fixed, the instructions will be clear, the explanations straight forward, the scales will work, the process will be smooth. But it wasn't, and again she blames me, like its my fault the stupid thing can't weigh the items, or I took them off the scales too soon, or the barcode scanner seems unable to read every second item. We're really steamed when I finally get to pay and then somebody else says loudly with my voice "Good to see they've fixed the stupid fucking flaws".

The rest of the people waiting at the checkouts watching my attempt cheer and the poor checkout lady is deflating, but I feel an electric pulse running down my spine and the sensation of my hair seeming to writhe as if made of snakes. As I quickly grab my shopping I decide to head to the toilets as I feel the pulse spread as a level of arousal that I didn't feel comfortable with in public caused my heart to pound and my veins to throb with warmth. I'm trying to focus on just sticking me head under a cold tap, but the image of punching the stupid checkout lady and stupid self-checkouts keeps flooding my mind, becoming more and more involved... and violent...

I don't make the toilets, falling to my knees in the service way leading to them, my stomach violently churning, my head aching, ears filled with the sound of blood pumping a mile a minute. I can feel every thread of silk in my underwear as my body presses against them, while a shoelace on my sneaker snaps. I feel like my teeth are about the grind to powder as my jaw clenches. My hands grasp and claw seemingly beyond my control, the nails seeming to be drawing to a distinct point. A cleaner comes up to me to ask if I'm okay, I try to answer and tell her I'll be okay in a minute, but a deep sultry voice emerges from my mouth instead telling her to "Fuck off".

After her sympathy evaporates and she leaves me be, I'm starting to feel less aware of my surroundings and starting to feel my clothes are two sizes too small and starting to strain, as my mind repeats a single thought: Video cameras. They have cameras. They will know who we are.

I don't know how long I sat there, but eventually after a few long minutes of back and forth, I'm me again. My clothes are a bit stretched out of shape, I'm bathed in sweat, but I'm me. Double timing it without appearing to be running, I head for my car and home with all haste.

I'm really, really, really scared for how I'll deal with Christmas day with my family now.