Entry for April 08, 2009

Oh... I.. I wish I was writing this for better reasons...

Normally... normally I've been posting here about my....uh... "change". I guess I haven't been posting because I've been busy with work and the fact she hadn't been making any appearances. Even my metabolism settled down, still hungrier than before but far cry from January. I... I guess I've been calmer, and it's because....I....uh... have a boyfriend.

I haven't had much luck with guys since.... anyway, I'm not getting younger and it just seems harder to find a good man you know. Mitch... Mitch is different. I feel comfortable around him, he makes me laugh and feel loved, and he seems to like me too. The only problem we've had is even now he's still a bit sore from when this strange, angry green eyed woman shoved him into a wall...

Yeah, Mitch... Mitch is the first security guard I encountered during my "James Bond" style break-in.

I didn't plan on a relationship with him. The first time I went there in a stupid attempt to see if he'd recognize me before she fully emerged. I needn't have bothered, at that point he was drifting between consciousness that he was barely awake. But he just lay there so helpless and I just went to pieces, guilt just weighed down on me. The nurses just assumed I was his girlfriend I guess, they never asked but assumed that my dutiful attendance could mean nothing else. So I kept visiting him after work, nobody else at work seemed to care outside sending him a bunch of flowers and a get well card.

When Mitch finally woke up about a two weeks after he'd met the wall, I had completely forgotten my original intention for visiting him, and if he recognized me from that night. He was shocked that I was there and wondered if there was some ulterior motive. It seems Mitch, despite his reasonably built form, was a bit shy too. So we just talked about stuff and kind of... well... hit it off. Is it any wonder I didn't really post, as my normal life came to the fore?

Its been so long... soooo long since... since I had the kind of life I guess I wanted. A guy I love, who loved me. A good solid relationship. No empty lonely flat, empty lonely life, thinking about what could of been, what might of being if I was just a little bit taller, a little bit bustier, a little be sexier. I guess having what I've wanted, what I'm sure I want, gave me to strength to restrain her, lock her away deep inside where I can't hear her siren call...

I haven't changed in so long that I felt... normal. No looking over my shoulder when ever a police man came near, no overriding nightmares of reflective silver, scalpes and being strapped to tables, no fear that of waking up half naked or worse, normal. An average normal life. I even only thought about and emailed Doc once a week, I didn't feel the need to cure her as I was in control.

It's different for Doc of course, his... the "Creature" is slightly more problematic than she is, almost caveman like mentally and sooo big to hear Doc tell it. So when he announced he was coming back to town to follow up on some promising research and would pay me a visit, who was I to say no? Before... before I would have died to get him back, now...

My heart skipped a beat when I read his email.... and not in a good way. I've felt... a strange unease since that I can't place and seems to be... alien to my moods. I had trouble getting to sleep tonight, fighting not to disturb Mitch as I tossed and turned until I had to get out of bed to do something, anything to clear my mind. So I decide to go to the toilet, have a sit, then wile away the hours on the net until my brain shuts off. But as I turn on the light I catch sight of a sick green glow to my skin. My eyes go wide as I realize what this means, but its gone in an instant. But that unease is still there, stronger and more distinct now, and the now stretched and loose elastic of my two week old crop top and panties reveal its more than mental.

Why now? Why now when eveything is goig so well... why... what's causing it, what's triggering it? Can I stop? Why? Why?

Ooooh gawd...gawd... gawd... I just want to be normal now ;_;