My life seems to becoming more and more one of predictable unpredictability. Of constantly being at attention, scared that I'll snap or otherwise somehow lower my defenses and She'll take advantage. That my hands will shake, I'll feel warm, and confusion will bleed away to awareness as I hear my bone grind, flesh shift and grow, clothes tear, horror and fear that I can't stop it, that I'll be found out, I'll be arrested fading as desire and lust for it take hold.

And then I'll wake up the next day in the bed of a guy/guys/woman/women/couple/couples I don't know, or the middle of nowhere with little to no more memory of how I got there. And I'll have to lie more and more, that I don't have a problem, that I'm fine, come up with some truthful sounding explanation for my disappearances, bottle up how much I hate my life and the lack of control I have. Wash, rinse, repeat :(

And support from friends, online and off, is drying up as She burns more and more bridges even with people who know about my condition. Its hard to maintain sympathy for me when I'm chatting or calling when suddenly She's raging down the phone as the handset begins to groan and creak in my hand, or Her fingers are virtually crushing the keys as my clothes get tight in all the wrong places. So the only people are are generally persisting are those that don't want to be cured, those who just want Her and see as a hindrance, which of course makes me feel great -_-

My sleep patterns are becoming worse too, increasingly rare I'll sleep the night through, even on nights I know I don't fully change (stretched PJs only) I often wake up uncomfortable and toss and turn before I finally nod off again, like I'm forced to mentally wrestle with Her even when I'm trying to rest. So more often or not I'll only wake-up because the alarm is screaming at me, feeling like I've barely slept at all.

I think...no, I know I'm a caffeine addict, because I'm drinking insane volumes of coffee to counteract that and make it through work, but I know I'm just making things worse but I have no other answer or way to cope apart from booze, which tends to help Her more than me.

Aren't you glad you hung around.